Jokes for today, July 24th

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#1 The Dentist
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a
tooth pulled. The dentist pulled out a freezing
needle to numb the area.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the
patient shouted.
So the dentist started to hook up the laughing
gas, and the man again objected. "I can't do the gas
thing! The thought of having a gas mask on is
suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asked if the man had any
objection to taking a pill. "No," the patient said,
"I'm fine with pills."

The dentist said, "Here, take this – it’s a purchase cialis tablet."

The patient responded, "Wow, I didn't know
Viagra works as a pain pill."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will
give you something to hold onto when I pull out your
tooth."

#2 The Search

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping darling"? she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote".

#3 Best Patients

Who are the best patients !

Five surgeons from across the country are discussing who are the best patients to perform surgery.

The first surgeon, an Irishman from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, an Italian from Chicago, responds. "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside is color coded."

The third surgeon, an Englishman from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, Mexican from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers ... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, an Indian from Rose Bud Rez, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable

#4 The Therapist

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."


#5 Man Jokes...with apologies to the ladies.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since the then, niether God nor Man has rested.


#6 Ole


A Minnesota story!!!

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.

On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your Father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July."



A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant "Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we
don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care of our patients".

"Yes, sir!!!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,
Ole, how was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Ya Ole, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything
including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"

And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

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